Meet an Introspective Mess

“Superglue & Seashells” by an Introspective Mess

When I first heard the song "Superglue and Seashells" by an Introspective Mess I had the same reaction that I had when I first heard Amanda Palmer's "&" and Jill Sobule's "Somewhere in New Mexico." This songwriter is blessed... and cursed. She can't help but tell the truth. Like a tragic figure out of Greek Mythology, she doesn't say what she should, she says what she must. And that will bring her endless pain. An Introspective Mess, like Jill and Amanda, is incapable of bullshit, even to save her soul.

It is interesting to see how an Introspective Mess, Jill Sobule and Amanda Palmer each deal with the burden of that gift. How they wrap it in humor, surrealism or quirkiness in hopes of sweetening it. Tricking us to drop our guard long enough to become sympathetic before we are horrified by what is really going on. It's a dangerous game that. But they have no choice.

-- Vincent (Dec 20, 2009)

I'm going to post this and pretend that I am some kind of important (which I'm not). Recently, I was asked by my friend Vincent to write the stories behind some of my songs. It's kind of interesting...

“Superglue & Seashells”
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This song took me forever to finish, but once I was done I was done! It is probably the most personal song I’ve written and been okay with sharing, and even still it’s rarely played.

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Many days and many nights as I sat in my closet, I would get bombarded with different lyrics and not be able to do anything with them, so I’d write them down and go onto the next set. Finally, I was sitting on my mom’s bed, reading old letters when the rhythm popped into my head. I rushed to my uke, and kept playing it over and over again so I wouldn’t forget. Then I brought out my journals and started dissecting areas that I could relate this music to. It was sad and lonely and very personal. And, of course, I knew that either this song would be the first I ever express my troubles with depression, self-injury, and suicide or it would be one of those secret songs I sing under my breath so no one can hear it. It wound up being the first…

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The majority of “Superglue & Seashells” was written during my Great Depression in 2008. I had attempted suicide and quit cutting for about four months prior to the onset of the latest tragedy. After a couple weeks of incessant emotional and physical pain, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I popped off some blades from disposable razors and started self-medicating, so to speak. I had quickly gone from the few cuts a week that I was doing before to forty a day if I was allowed opportunity. Sleep was useless, I had given up on it. Every time I laid my head on a pillow, the demons that inhibit my brain came out to scream at me. During times of depression, they do that. I hear a lot of things, like voices, screams and glass breaking. To silence these unbearable sounds, I kept music playing 24/7 on my iPod. I had found Blue October very useful because for once, I wasn’t alone. There was actually someone that felt this same way, and is still alive - whoa! What a relief. What a ray of light that dimly shined into my cave.

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Welcome to my closet. I cleared out a lot of junk, getting rid of it. Then I made a home for myself, comfortable in it’s dark and cold embrace. I never cut myself in there, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t take out my self-hatred. I was able to be the emotional mess that I had become when I was hidden behind that door; I was able to break down and cry, and then to stop myself from being the Stupid Girl that I am, I would hit myself. Bashing bruises on my thighs, my back - nearly blacking out from hitting myself in the head so hard that my vision turned black and slowly returned to it’s dysfunction. I was a wreck, but through music kept it together. 

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Throughout this time in my life, I played more shows than I ever had. In fact, it was the only time I left the house. Oddly enough, I had become so numb that most of the time I didn’t remember a single thing that happened. Only plugging in and walking away. It was nice not to feel the nerves, but I missed the satisfaction of combating them.

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I don’t know if anyone really knew what I was going through, because I’ve always been really ashamed to admit that I have feelings, but if it hadn’t been for music and the love of friendship, I know for a fact I wouldn’t have made it. Not one day.

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-- An Introspective Mess (Sunday, December 06, 2009) 

"Superglue & Seashells"

Another blank white page
Where my thoughts should be
The wind stole words from my mouth
And carried them away

Where do I start?
Where do I start?

I'm locking myself in the shelter
I've made from my bedroom closet
It's the place of safety I run to
When the world turns It's tongue

Oceans crash in my stomach
An un-aided sort of rush

Everything about me aches
Waiting for relief
I feel as if I'm dancing
On a dam about to break

Where do I start?
Where do I start?

These scars create a treasure map
Of who I am, where Ive been
And I cannot hide all these marks upon my skin

So, paste a smile on this frown
With superglue and seashells
If you pull it off just right
No one will think to look twice 

Video for "Superglue & Seashells"

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