The Crafty Woman's Guide to Pussy Printing

I don't know where my friend got the courage from, but she ask a famous rock star for help. My friend stammered, fumbled and couldn't get the words out. She asked her hero to do a favor for her buddy. (No, it was not for me!! By the way, the legend asked me to hide her true identity, for reason that will become very clear. So let's call her Anastasia Beaverhausen... ) Fräulein Beaverhausen was a trooper. She reassured my friend that it was all perfectly normal; "I know... I know, your friend wants a print of my vagina using my menstrual blood? Of course -- that's a hobby of mine!"

WTF! REALLY!! It was? Small damn world.

Anastasia was delighted that someone else was using all natural materials too. (When I talked to another songwriter, I found others are doing it too. It is what the hip kids are up to now.) My buddy and Anastasia began to bond. This was way better than piercing each other's ears and talking about boys. IF you are interested, Anastasia gave my friend some tips on how to get the best result, just in case you missed that episode of Oprah:

1. If you are going for a pretty print -- you will need to shave. Anastasia doesn't, which will lead to something more atmospheric. Anastasia is an artist and is going for that.

2. With the economy being what it is, this seems like a great Christmas or Hanukah card idea. One can get a pack of blanks at the dollar store and just run off a bunch.

3. Mind you, it might be wise to have the assistance of a trusted friend or co-worker (if you are doing this during your coffee break to save money by using office supplies.) Your print buddy (they should probably be wearing gloves... and a mask... or one of those hazardous material suits, you know, like in Outbreak). Your buddy can carefully hand you a blank card, you stamp it and hand it back. That way you won't get your bloody fingerprints all over it.

You want as professional a result as possible. This will be framed and hanging above the mantle -- between those creepy porcelain dolls whose eyes follow you all over the room and that weird knitted blue and white Kleenex cozy that just catches dust and cat hair. Have some pride, won't you? You don't want granny to be embarrassed when her friends look up during a game of bridge. Mrs. Todd might mutter, "My grand daughter's is much nicer." That would just spoil Grandma's day. So think of Grandma as you slap that cold hunk of paper to your bloody crotch.

4. Next decide if you want to sign your name in blood (which I think would just make it special) or...

5. Use a sharpie, which will make it more legible. But for goodness sakes, do sign your work. Let me tell you from experience, there is nothing more frustrating than going through a freakin' stack of pussy prints and trying to work out who is who.

6. Let them dry completely before slipping them into the envelope. You don't want the person receiving this treasure to have the heartbreak of smearing or sticking. That is no way to treat your period piece.

I couldn't get this out of my head. I am doing a book on creativity called: Strange Light. I suddenly imagined this could make a great title page for my Anastasia chapter. It would be eye-catching. I think it might generate a lot of press for my book. It would certainly increase sales. From 14-year-old boys to fifty something lesbians, this would get them all.

There is always the remote possibility that you might find this a little creepy and personal. I am probably over reacting. After all, it is all in the name of art. Showing solidarity with my sisters, tweaking the nose of the Man: the chauvinist pig who is afraid of our female parts and female hearts. Hmmm, there are days I just miss not having a vagina. It all sounds a little hollow without one, doesn't it? I guess I'll never be the lesbian I long to be. Sigh.

Oh well, sometimes we are only free in our dreams. Maybe some kind member of the community will show pity on a guy who wants to change and make me an honorary Sister. You know, like those losers who never finished grade school, become a big Hollywood star and then get honoree degrees from Yale or Harvard. Where is the school of cool women? I hope to go there someday, and like the Scarecrow, get my degree (well, in my case in Lez-ology) as I cry my eyes out, like the sentimental old softy I am. Consider this book my thesis paper.

I am completely honest about this art project. It seems like such a cracking good idea for a title page. "I bleed for my work and all... This is me, take it or leave it... even if it is uncomfortable." And I am always looking for unique content. This is VERY unique. I bet you Nora Roberts will not have a single pussy print in her next book.

My friend discussed this chapter with Anastasia and...

Vincent,
I just had a discussion about vaginas with *****... I told her about your blog and she laughed, got really quiet for a bit and said, "Umm... a straight guy writing about pussies? That's hot. But have him use a fake name plz? I'm not pussy printing for the world!" So, I think that means it's a go but use some hot pseudonym like "Anastasia Beaverhausen!" lol.

pussies (noun) 1. a group of cats  2. a group of female genitalia  3. the french.