This Old Record Collection

(or Why I Don’t Listen to These Losers Anymore)

I was going through my old record collection and scratching my head. WTF? Who are these people? What is a Milli Vanilli? (Just kidding, those two had great voices.) Was I ever hungry like a wolf? Was it a typo or did they mean to use their name twice. Isn't one Duran, enough? Or is it still one too many? Will I ever get a mad passion to listen to Sheena Easton again? As I looked at my once treasured records, I talk to the big hair, leg warmers and gobs of baby blue eyeliner.

Dear old records;
 
B-4 I toss U in the plastic garbage bag at the foot of my bed, I should tell U Y we broke up. (Lord, those old Prince albums were so hard to read):

10. You look like a dork in that Lady Gaga outfit your manager suggested you wear, Mind you, you still look better than Lady Gaga.

9. Your Playboy spread grossed me (and the world) out. It turns out no one really wanted to see you naked.

8. When you try spinning on stage these days, you fall... and can’t get up. Just stop spinning, damn it. It was never cool.

7. Did the world really need a dance version of “American Pie”? Or “Downtown” or “To Sir ... with Love”?

6. When you suggested the record be a concept album about your pathetic childhood, your band mates screamed, “No, no, no -- not again,” and ran from the room. Kitten, they didn’t leave because of “musical differences” -- they were about to slash their wrist out of boredom. Haven’t you done anything new in forty years? The world knows your damage -- move the hell on.

5. Wait, go back. A concept album? It’s the 21st century -- not the freaking sixties. Hey Moonchild, cut your hair and put down the joint.

4. Those compromising photos of yourself that you accidentally Twittered didn’t increase your sales as hoped (sorry, accidentally hoped).
 
3. Stop wearing spandex. Your grandchildren are ashamed, Rod.

2. Why do you insist on humiliating your offspring by having them perform with you? (And a special note to John Fogerty: your youngens looked like a pair of dorks in matching blue flannel shirts -- and those 1960 era bowl hair cuts. Damn! Are you planning a rock remake of Whatever Happen to Baby Jane? If not, have you consider dressing the lads in matching Lady Gaga outfits? I‘d buy THAT record!) The CCR kids do “Pokerface” -- wow!

1. What made you think you could record a decent Christmas album? You’re not Jewish.
 
Thank you old record collection for letting me get that off my chest, and you out of the bottom of my closet.

XXOO
Vincent